I chose to stay away…
I chose to stay away from my blog for a while. I did not want to focus too much on bad things and dark thoughts.
But a few words have struck my mind lately. Either afters some exchanges with people here on WordPress, either as a result of my reflections about my current state.
- Sink: as in “the boat sinks”. When I get blue, sad, anxious or depressed, it is like I was sinking in dark cold waters. A force pulling me down. The only difference is that contrary to ships, for which the cause of the drama is visible, my sadness seems to have no identifiable cause. It is just coming, adding it weight to my day-to-day anxiety.
- Depression: maybe I should stop calling it “depression”, and maybe use other words like “anxiety” or “blues” so that I do not fix my mind on a description of my state that may be not totally accurate, avoiding self-suggestion ? The problem is that I have already felt blue, sad or anxious in the past and those times were clearly not as difficult as the period I am going through lately. “Depression” seems to be an easier way to describe my mental state than any other words I can think of. Did you notice how I tried to avoid that word in all my sentences above ? 🙂
- Reason: a simple and cold realization occurred to me. There may be no reason for my sadness. Maybe there is nothing wrong in my life out of chemistry ? Maybe whatever I change in my day-to-day life would not cure my mental. With that thought another one occurred to me, even colder and scarier: maybe I will not recover ever ! That frightens me…
- Chemistry: like in “chemical balance”. Maybe the only reason for my current condition is that the chemical balance of my body has changed or is broken. That could explain the various mindset changes, dark mood, euphoria, the attraction to forbidden things.
- Blue: the feeling that I get more and more often now, even though I have been taking my pills.
- Sickness: I thing my morale is so low, that I always get sick. This happens at least once a month (sometimes twice). I hate that condition. I used to get sick only twice a YEAR before. Once before the winter and once before the summer. Nothing more. This is annoying me a lot ! I do not like to feel so weak.
- Silliness: not like a disease, but like something I want in my life. I want some silliness to spice my life up a little.